I woke this morning at the same time that Mum took her last breath 12 months ago. I remember every detail about that moment. In fact, I can recall, hour by hour, every detail of the two days leading up to it. Apparently, the cortisol released by our bodies in times of stress embeds memory … Continue reading The first year
Dear Mum, I was just thinking back to this day last year when three of your girlfriends arrived at your house with morning tea, announcing that they hadn’t missed one of your birthdays yet. I took candid photos of you all laughing so hard that each of you had to pull a tissue from your … Continue reading Expected and unexpected grief triggers
Tough day at the office. Really tough. Mother’s Day started beautifully. I lay in bed listening to pancakes being made in the kitchen. Elsie and Maeve had brought in a colourful menu full of options and I ticked pancakes because kids like pancakes and I waited in bed because kids like serving breakfast in bed … Continue reading Another first down
We teach our kids not to wipe their runny noses on their sleeves. But if you’re at the cemetery visiting your mum’s grave to see the headstone for the first time and you don’t have a tissue, then it’s permitted. Would it be ‘her’ headstone instead of ‘the’ headstone? I would rather we were debating … Continue reading Perhaps it was a sign
The thing about grief that I can see, is there really isn’t much to look forward to in the process. If you’re pregnant and sick, you know that it will all be over in nine months. If you have a cold or a headache, you might take something for it and hope that it goes … Continue reading Grief is love with no place to go.
‘I don’t want this to be over.’ That’s how I used to think during the last couple of days of a holiday. Despite the warm sun on my face and the family time and the choice of ice cream flavours, I’d be disappointed that we had only two days left. And I’d mope a little … Continue reading To the world you are a mother, but to your family you are the world.
Probably worse than running out of milk when you live on a farm is running out of the chemicals your brain produces to cope with stress. Worse than depleted water tanks is depleted resilience. Last month I had what they would have once called 'a nervous breakdown’. In an era unwilling to openly discuss mental … Continue reading One in 4 people will experience a mental health condition this year – I was that one. And this is what it was like.
Imagine there’s a cupcake shop on the corner of your street and they’re calling for cupcakes. If you bake cupcakes all year, you can bring them in at the end of the year for the shop to sell. As many as you like. You’ll get paid for what you bring in. You make some decisions about … Continue reading Harvest is finished at last
I have a moral obligation to report in on how I went with the big announcement I made last year. To the world. On the web. For all to see. 'I’m going to write a book,' I said. By November, the pressure was on. The year was almost over and my book wasn’t finished. In … Continue reading Is anyone else a really slow learner?